A Royal Pain in the Ass
by Open Casket Ceremony
Summary: In a fit of jealous rage, Ichigo somehow lands himself in a competition to win the hand in marriage of the beautiful crown prince, Hitsugaya Toshiro. But, does Ichigo, a mere servant, really stand a chance against all the other nobles? IchiHitsu. Humorfic
1. Let the Games Begin

Author's Note: Here, as promised, is my new fic, which I will be updating spordically as opposed to systematically, as _Shattered Ice_ is my current priority. This is more for comic relief to loosen up the tension in my other compositions, so enjoy! (And before we get started, I suppose it'd be useful to let you know that _Ouji_ is a formal title for a prince.)

* * *

"God dammit! We're going to be late, and it's all _your_ fault!"

"Shut up! Nothing's my fault! You're the one who slept in!"

"Oh, be quiet! I worked extra hours yesterday! I need my rest too, you know!"

Two male figures were rushing down a flight of stairs, both dressed in plain black kimonos. As they ran along, they stumbled occasionally, bickering and shoving as they did so. Both of them were servants in the palace.

The first was Abarai Renji. His red hair was usually pulled back into a ponytail to keep it out of the way while he worked, and he tended to be a little hot-headed at times. Too hot-headed for his own good.

The second was Kurosaki Ichigo. He, like his redheaded friend, was quick to anger and often argued within the palace. He had been working in the palace for as long as he knew. His parents were long dead, and they, too, had been servants to the emperor of Soul Society, and having nowhere else to go, Ichigo had become an addition to the long line of Kurosakis who had served the emperor by default. He didn't get paid, being a servant, but he, like the rest of his fellow workers, were well-fed, well-clothed, and as far as he knew, like the majority of the rest of the servants, Ichigo was desperately and direly in love with the young crown prince.

Now, the little prince was a boy by the name of Hitsugaya Toshiro. The emperor, Yamamoto Genryusai, was not directly related to him. Young Hitsugaya was only a second-grandson-twice-removed or something of the sort, which would explain their different family names. At any rate, he was the only remaining person suitable of being the heir of the elderly emperor, and as far as everyone was concerned, with his snow-white hair, fair complexion, and icy aquamarine eyes, he had the prettiest face in all of Soul Society.

As Ichigo and Renji burst through the doors to the throne room, they both instantly began to babble, straining to make their voices heard over the other's.

"I'm sorry, Yamamoto-sama! Forgive my disrespectful tardiness!"

"I'm way sorrier than he is, Your Highness!"

The bearded emperor stared at the two youg men before speaking. "Very well, I shall forgive your late arrival today. Abarai-san?"

"Yes, Your Highness?" Renji inquired, snapping to attention.

"The floors in the western hallway need scrubbing."

Renji inwardly groaned in disappointment. Scrubbing duty, second only to bathroom duty, was the least desired job because it required the worker to grovel on all fours like dogs on the dirty ground.

"Yes, sir."

"And, Kurosaki-san."

"Yes, Yamamoto-sama?" Ichigo responded, following his redheaded friend's example.

"You can go help Abarai-san."

Ichigo opened and closed his mouth, wanting to protest, but with a compliant mutter, sulked out of the room with Renji trailing grudgingly behind.

Shortly afterwards, both of them had their sleeves rolled up to their elbows and were scrubbing sullenly at the dirty floor in the indicated hallway.

"Thanks a lot, strawberry," Renji grunted as he plunged a sponge into a bucket of soapy water. "We got scrubbing duty."

"Hey, be grateful we don't have to clean the toilet bowls," Ichigo retorted as he rubbed furiously at a scuff mark on the floor that refused to fade.

"Grateful? Shut up! It's your fault, anyway, dumbass!" Renji retorted.

"Hey, hey!" Ichigo hissed in protest. "Keep your language clean, will you? He's coming this way!"

"Who?"

"Who else? The prince, of course, you idiot!"

Both of the young men instantly shut their mouths, pretending to be immersed in their scrubbing work. Cautiously, Ichigo looked up the slightest from the soap suds, catching sight of the prince himself, who, despite his nobility in society, was dressed in a fairly plain kimono in a color similar to his hair, with a simple grey design running up the length of the side. Ichigo noted that he looked particularly pretty for some reason in such drab attire. He didn't need fancy clothes to look good all the time.

"G-Good morning, Ouji-sama," Ichigo managed to stammer as Hitsugaya walked by.

"Good morning, Kurosaki-kun," the boy answered, stopping briefly to bow.

"Uh…There's no need to be so polite to someone like me," Ichigo muttered. "I mean, well, you know…I'm just a servant."

"I don't mind," the prince answered plainly. "Servant or not, you're still a person."

"Ouji-sama, you're so kind," Renji sniffed. "I'm moved to tears!"

The orange-haired teen sent a swift death glare in his friend's direction. No way was _he_ going to get a leg up on him with such petty sweet talk.

"The floors are slippery from us cleaning it, Ouji-sama," Ichigo continued quickly. "May I have the honor of escorting you to your destination?"

"Don't trouble yourself," Hitsugaya replied. "I'll manage by myself. There's no need to be so uptight with me, either. Simply addressing me by my family name would suffice."

"Are you sure, Your Highness, I mean, uh, Hitsugaya-sama?"

"I'm sure."

With these words, Hitsugaya disappeared down the hallway, with Ichigo staring longingly at his retreating back like the lovesick teenager he was.

"The prince is really something, isn't he?" Ichigo sighed as soon as the prince had exited the room and was out of earshot. "He's so dignified, and he's really pretty, too…"

"Why don't you just tell him how you feel about him already?" Renji snorted. "Are you a man or not? Just go confess your 'eternal love' or whatever for him."

"Hell, no!" the strawberry retorted angrily. "For god's sake, Renji, he's a _prince_! And, well…I'm just a servant. Anyways, he can only marry someone from royalty, right? I don't stand a chance."

"Speaking of which," the redhead answered, "I heard the emperor talking the other day to some dude from the council. I think they're planning on marrying that Hitsugaya kid off while he's still young and pretty."

"Eh!? That's not fair!"

"Shut up! You're the one who said you didn't stand a chance, anyways!"

"But, still…" Ichigo whined.

"The point is," Renji continued, "The palace is gonna be flooded with suitors pretty soon, I mean just look at…Hold on…What's that noise?"

Sure enough, a distant rumbling of what sounded like hundreds of footsteps were thundering closer and closer. Alarmed, both servants glanced down the hall, only to see a large crowd of various noblemen, kings, princes, lords, dukes, and so on and so forth thundering towards them.

"Shit!" Renji squeaked. "Let's get out of here!"

Both of them snatched up their sponges and water buckets, scrambling down the hall, tossing the cleaning materials into a nearby closet before dashing for the safety of the throne room.

"Your Highness!" Renji shouted as the two burst in. "There's a bunch of…"

"Ah, yes," Yamamoto nodded, stroking his beard. "I knew they'd be coming today."

"Who?"

"Why, suitors of course. They've come to court our prince, I suppose."

Hitsugaya, who had been standing by Yamamoto, looked slightly alarmed at this. He blinked, looking downwards but saying nothing. Ichigo swallowed, wondering what the prince was thinking.

Moments later, the doors to the throne room burst open, and the crowds of suitors squeezed through the small entry way, all making a beeline straight for the hapless prince.

"Good afternoon, dearest little prince," the first man to arrive spoke who had brown hair and glasses. He knelt at Hitsugaya's feet, taking his hand and kissing its delicate backside. "I am Sosuke Aizen, King of Hueco Mundo."

With a look of utter revulsion, Hitsugaya withdrew his hand.

"That son of a…!" Ichigo growled. "The hell does he think he is, kissing Ouji-sama's hand so shamelessly like that! Why, I ought to break his freaking glasses!"

Needless to say, Renji was using all his strength to restrain the fuming strawberry as suitor upon suitor bore down upon his beloved prince.

"My dearest prince," Aizen continued, "It is my honor to ask you…"

"Forget about him!" another man in a straw hat with bright pink (and very manly) robes shouted gleefully, shoving the man named Aizen aside. "Sweet prince, I am Kyoraku Shunsui, and I have composed a romantic poem to recite to you today…"

He was dragged off by the ear by a rather intimidating-looking woman in spectacles, despite the poor man's loud protests and whining, only to be replaced seconds later by another man with long white hair.

"Most esteemed Prince," he began, "My name is Ukitake Jushiro, and with these various confections and candies…" At this point, he brandished a large box full of assorted chocolates that looked rather expensive, "I would humbly like to ask for your hand in mar-"

Another man shoved his way past, saying nothing but merely holding out a miniscule cherry blossom towards the overwhelmed-looking Hitsugaya.

"Who the hell is that!?" Ichigo fumed, writhing about and trying to escape Renji's restraining grip. "Who the hell's that stingy bastard who thinks a puny flower like that is worth Ouji-sama's attention!?"

"Calm down, will you!?" Renji hissed. "That's Kuchiki Byakuya-sama! He's from one of _the_ four noble families! The biggest fish in the ocean! You want to die!? Then go on ahead and keep insulting him!"

"So many suitors for our little prince," Yamamoto mused. "In that case," he announced loudly, "I propose a contest…And the winner will have the prince's hand in marriage."

"A contest?" Ichigo repeated, opening and closing his mouth stupidly like a mentally retarded goldfish. "Oh, so what now?" he scoffed, "Ouji-sama's just some kind of prize to win now? That's ridiculous! That's so freaking unfair for Ouji-sama! He should get to pick himself, I mean, what if some lousy idiot wins? Come to think of it, all of them are lousy idiots, and I bet I could make a way better husband than any of them!"

"I said, shut up! You want the emperor to hear you or something?" Renji snapped.

Yamamoto glanced at the two. "Very well," he said, "If you think that you are indeed so worthy of the prince's hand in marriage, then I challenge you to participate in this contest."

"H-hold on!" Ichigo protested, horrified. "I never said I wanted to-"

"Alright," Yamamoto went on brightly as if Ichigo hadn't spoken, "That's settled then! Now, gentlemen, which ones of you will participate?"

Aizen, Byakuya, Ukitake, and Kyoraku all stepped forward, and then Ichigo reluctantly followed their example.

"Oh, no, you're not!" the bespectacled woman growled, grabbing poor Kyoraku by the collar and dragging him off. "You're not going to participate in _any_ contest!"

"But, Nanao-chan…"

"Shut up!"

As they disappeared from sight, Yamamoto blinked. "Well, then that just leaves Aizen-san, Kuchiki-san, Ukitake-san…and Kurosaki-san. I must warn you though, gentlemen, this little contest will be no easy task. You must have exceptional skills, and it may even be dangerous."

Hitsugaya looked a little surprised at this, and as instructed, all of the said men took turns shaking Hitsugaya's hand (or, in Aizen's case, once again kissed his hand, much to Ichigo's anger), and properly introducing themselves.

As Ichigo hesitantly took his turn, he could have sworn Hitsugaya mutter under his breath, "You'd better win, Kurosaki-kun."


	2. The First Task

Author's Note: Sorry it took me forever to update; but here's the second chapter to this fic.

* * *

"Are the four of you ready for the first of four trials?"

Aizen, Byakuya, Ukitake, and Ichigo all nodded, some more reluctantly than others.

"Then, let us begin," Yamamoto spoke, facing the four contestants, the prince at his side. "As you know, he who has the good fortune to earn our prince's hand in marriage will be the future king of this kingdom, as well as their own, if applicable."

At this point, Aizen beamed proudly, Ukitake shrugged, Byakuya did nothing, and Ichigo scowled.

"As such," the emperor continued, "A king must manage money well, lest their kingdom fall into debt or financial difficulty. With this in mind, I will now explain the first task."

Ichigo swallowed. He had never even touched a single article of money before in his entire life, since he _was_ only a servant. How could he possibly manage it?

"For the first round of our contest, I will provide each of you with a total of 200,000 yen in solid cash. With this twenty thousand yen, you are to go out and spend it as you see fit, making good, conscious choices in how you choose to do so. You have a total of two hours to complete your spending. If you make any purchases, make sure to bring them back here after the two hours are completed. Your time beings _now_."

Byakuya, Ukitake, and Aizen all set off, leaving Ichigo to stare stupidly at the sum of money in his hands, wondering what the hell he was supposed to "wisely" spend it on.

"Kurosaki-kun?" Hitsugaya addressed him, "Is there something wrong?"

"N-No, Your Majesty!" Ichigo spluttered. "I have lots of good ideas, I swear!" Babbling on and on, he quickly scurried out of the room, faking a confident smile and a cheerful wave as he hurried out the door.

"Damn it, damn it all," the strawberry muttered to himself, pacing back and forth in the hallway, muttering to himself. He didn't want to fail the first stupid task already, but to be honest he had no idea what was supposed to be "wise" to spend money on.

"What do I do?" he groaned. "I'm such a freaking idiot…I shouldn't have complained in the first place, 'cause all I'm going to do is make myself look like an idiot in front of Ouji-sama…"

"Kurosaki-kun?"

"Eh!?" the orange-haired teen spun around, only to find himself staring into a pair of ceruluean eyes. "Oh, Y-Your Majesty," he mumbled, "I…uh…I was just…doing some brainstorming and stuff, to, well, you know…Refine the good ideas I already have for this task- thing."

"I'm sorry for interrupting," Hitsugaya apologized, "But it really seems that you have no idea what you're doing," he added bluntly.

"Er…"

"If I were you," the white-haired prince continued, "I would think in terms as if I was the emperor and what I would spend the money on _as_ emperor."

"You have a point!" Ichigo exclaimed, beaming. "Thanks, Ouji-sama!" Without thinking, he automatically threw his arms around the smaller boy in a cheerful hug.

"Um, Kurosaki-kun…"

"I-I'm sorry, Your Majesty!" Ichigo squeaked, springing away. "Uh…Thanks for the help!" With that, he ran away down the hall as fast as his feet would take him, his cheeks burning red.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ukitake had strolled downtown, roaming the streets, watching as some peasant children ran by.

One of the children tripped and fell, and sympathetically, Ukitake knelt down and patted the young fellow on the head. Yes, he had a knack for children.

"Here," he said, handing about 1,000 yen to the fallen child. "You may take this and buy something nice for yourself."

As the minutes moved by, he did this occasionally: stop and hand out some money to a few who passed by, looking like they were in need of a few extra yen to provide for their families with.

"Ah, goodness!" he said, looking at the time, "Already, only half an hour left? Well, I do have some extra money, so perhaps I should buy a little something for the dearest prince." Humming a tune to himself, the white-haired suitor made his way back down the street, heading straight for the local candy shop.

The candy shop itself was fairly neat inside, and an array of drool-inducing confections was arranged in glass cases. Taking his time, Ukitake picked out some of the more expensive and high-class chocolates the store had to offer.

And so, after making his selections, he headed back to the palace, cheerfully carrying a pink-and-white striped paper bag loaded with sweets.

As this was occurring, Aizen, too, was on the move.

200,000 yen wasn't too scant of a sum of money, he thought to himself. There were lots of things he could do with it, but of all the things he could think of, he couldn't convince himself that it was entirely worth it.

After all, he actually did have his own interests in priority.

Fluffing his hair for maximum volume with a smile, the brown-haired ruler of Hueco Mundo pocketed the cash, patting his now full pocket cheerfully.

Sure, he was planning on keeping all the money for himself.

But, in times like these, there was nothing that a little white lie couldn't help out with. He already knew exactly what he was going to say.

With this already out of the way, Aizen decided to use the remaining time he had to spend a little quality time with the very person whose hand in marriage was being competed over for, in other words, the little prince himself.

He wandered down the halls, searching for signs of white hair and teal eyes.

At last, he spotted the boy standing a way off in the nearby hallway. He appeared to be talking with someone else, and upon closer inspection, Aizen discovered that it was Ichigo. Then, without warning, the strawberry suddenly flung his arms around the prince in what looked like a very crushing hug.

"Why, that dirty piece of rubbish," Aizen thought to himself as he watched the mortified orange-haired teen scramble away. As soon as he was gone, he stepped forward.

"The nerve of that lowly servant boy," he spoke, approaching the prince, who turned around, looking startled to see him. "Touching you with his filthy hands like that…He ought to be ashamed of himself."

"Such talk," Hitsugaya retorted, "Is not acceptable. Perhaps you should consider being more respectful towards someone who I'm sure will do much better than you in this silly 'contest' that the emperor has proposed."

"Now, now, fair prince," Aizen answered in what he hoped was a smooth and suave manner, "You needn't bother speaking in defense of a mere servant. After all, he _is_ uneducated and most likely is as ignorant as a donkey."

"Kurosaki-kun is _not_ stupid," Hitsugaya shot back coldly. "If you'll excuse me, sir." With that, he walked away, disappearing down the hallway and leaving Aizen to stare stupidly at his retreating back with an appalled expression on his face.

So much for smooth and suave.

Byakuya, on the other hand, was in a big pickle.

He had been concentrating very hard, sorting his money into two even piles, each consisting of equal amounts of 100,000 yen per stack.

He had been intending on first dividing the cash, and then deciding which segments to spend on what, but in the midst of his pondering, some crazy freak with red hair resembling a pineapple ran over, snatched one of the halves, and dashed away, laughing maniacally.

So that left the stoic nobleman with only 100,000 yen. With little more than an annoyed grunt, he got up and shuffled away.

Precisely two hours later, all four participants assembled themselves into the throne room.

The Emperor, Yamamoto, was standing in front of the throne, leaning on his wooden walking stick, and, as usual, Hitsugaya was standing a little off to his side, a bored expression written onto his pretty little face.

"Well," Yamamoto announced, "Let us begin the judging of the first task. We shall start with Aizen-san. Tell us, Aizen-san, what did you do with the money provided?"

"I invested it all in the royal funds," Aizen smiled, his hand absently drifting to the pocket in which all of the money was actually being held, "Of course, with the prince's best interests in mind."

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes and scoffed softly as this, but fell silent as the emperor gave him a reprimanding glare.

"Very well. Next, we will have Kuchiki-san speak."

"Half of it was stolen," Byakuya stated, quite plainly, in the usual deadpan voice.

"And the other half?" Yamamoto inquired as all heads swiveled to stare at the stony nobleman in disbelief.

"…I bought a shipment of cherry seeds to plant an arbor of cherry trees in the royal gardens. Perhaps his majesty, the prince, will be able to enjoy the cherry blossoms in the spring."

Nodding, Yamamoto turned to Ukitake. "And you, Ukitake-san?"

"I donated some to passing citizens in need," Ukitake answered, "And with the remaining amount…" At this point, he reached into his robes and produced the bag of candy. "…I purchased a gift for our beloved prince."

"I see," the elderly emperor answered. "And finally, what about you, Kurosaki-san?"

"Uh," Ichigo answered sheepishly, "I decided to pay the servants."

There was a long silence.

After some deliberation, Yamamoto finally spoke again.

"I have decided," he announced, "That the winner of the first round…is Ukitake Jushiro."

Aizen and Ichigo both nearly choked on their own saliva at these words, Hitsugaya looked slightly surprised, Ukitake looked pleased, and as for Byakuya…Well, I suppose there's no need to state the obvious.

"You see," the emperor spoke, "The most important way for an emperor to rule effectively is to gain the trust and favor of his people. With Ukitake-san's charitable behavior, that has already been established. In addition, indulging the prince in a gift every now and then isn't a bad idea, either. After all, a proper husband for the prince must treat him well."

Feeling somewhat ashamed, Ichigo managed to catch Hitsugaya's sympathetic gaze for perhaps only an instant, before he quickly looked away, noticing that Aizen was glaring at him.

"The first round is now over," Yamamoto announced, "And, as such, I expect all four of you to meet here again, tomorrow morning, at nine o'clock sharp, where I shall tell you of the second task."


End file.
